iamnotmyfather | "What the hell did you...?!" [For adm_chris

"I love you, Chris, but growing up with an abusive step-father I suck at showing it. I WOULDN'T know how to. And whether you think you deserve it or not...you have it."

Christopher finished cleaning off Jim's hand, gently checking the bones before pressing a kiss to the abused skin.

"It's not broken," he said softly. "But you should still probably have Doctor McCoy look at it..."

Of course... maybe he shouldn't of told Chris that, though those blue eyes watch the man before him.

"Maybe."

Christopher nodded and let go of his master's hand, stepping back slowly. He'd heard the words... he just didn't know how to respond to them... or to Jim right now. Did it matter? Jim was going to give him his freedom, wasn't he?

"Thank you," he said quietly, "for saying that you love me and for... saying you'd give me my freedom..."

"You act like I'm doing it as a chore." He says a deep frown gracing those features. "I meant every damn word."

"That's not how I meant it, sir," he answers quietly. "I was being sincere. I appreciate you saying it all because I know it's hard for you to do so. I told you loved you when I asked you to stop taking the away missions. You've never verbally said it until today. I'm not sure how to react. I'm sorry."

"Then why the hell would you stand by and make me jealous?"

"I wasn't trying to make you jealous!" Chris threw back angrily. "I was just. Talking. to him! Why can't you see that? Why would I go against my contract to you just to fuck with your head?! Gods... you really think that little of me don't you? I can't..." He trailed off a shook his head. "I can't even wrap my head around that... why the fuck would I tell you I love you... and then do something like that on purpose? I wouldn't. But... there again... I'm just a slave so I guess that means I have no morals or values and no loyalty. Of course. My mistake." He turned and walked back into the other bedroom, blinking back the tears in his eyes.

Oh he didn't care if he broke his damn hand or not, he beats the hell out of the wall, not that he's winning against the thing, before sliding down it. Stupid fuckin' Chris, he couldn't see what he saw. What it had looked like... if they'd just been talking they wouldn't of been leaning that close into one another. He was honestly lost, not caring who the fuck saw the turmoil running through him, he heads straight down to Medical. His hand was starting to go numb on him.

McCoy looks up as Jim enters medical and raises a brow slightly before demanding that everyone else leave before he pulls Jim behind a curtained off area and pushes him onto a bio bed.

"Got a call from your boy that you were headed this way. What the fuck did he do now that's got you so pissed?"

"Doesn't matter. Moment we hit the next starbase I'm giving him his freedom." He gives a bitter laugh. "I suck at this shit, Bones."

"So that's it, huh?" Bones said as he ran a scanner over Jim's hand. "Just gonna off load him on a Starbase and let him fall prey to whatever slave traders happen to be around? Well, whatever. None of my concern." He grabs the dermal regenerator. "Probably deserves it, knowing the hell he's put you through. I mean... what right does any slave have demanding his Master keep himself safe or not take on too many away missions? Oh and then there's the whole thing with him making sure you're not bothered when you need to catch up on your PADD's and such. Damn slaves. Always said they weren't worth the trouble.. Especially the ones that fall in love with their Masters. They're the worst...."

He's goading Jim. He knows it. But he wants his friend to see that letting Chris go will be the worst mistake he's ever made...

Jim frowns at his best friend. "I'm not going to let him fall prey to anyone. I love him, Bones. And he fuckin' knows it, but we both suck at showing it." Though the more his best friend talks, the more that frown deepens. "You're one to talk. You bitch more then him about me keeping myself safe!"

"Ahh, well see, I'm your Doctor and friend, not some damn slave so I'm allowed." The machine beeps and McCoy sets it aside. "All right, you're fine, you big baby. And stop beating up the damn walls. They ain't done a damn thing to ya. And if yer really gettin' rid of the boy the bring him down here so I can at least give him a set of vaccinations before you shove him off onto someone else."

--

In their quarters, Chris had set to work cleaning up after the fight, making sure there was no blood on the floor or the wall that Jim had torn apart. That done, he went through the food generator and set it for dinner (fried chicken, potatoes and green beans with biscuits) before moving into the bedroom to start pulling his clothes from the closet and stuffing them into the duffel bag he'd had with him when James had found him nine months ago.

"I'm not shoving him off onto anyone else!" He snaps. "Quit saying that, Bones." He says giving a glare at the older man. "I don't know what the hell you're trying to prove but stop it!"

Bones reached up and smacked Jim hard on the back of the head with his open head.

"I'm telling you that if you let Chris go, you will lose the best damned thing that has ever happened to you with the exception of becoming Captain of the Enterprise. Get your head outta your ass already and take a real long look at what the rest of us already see. That boy is in love with you and only wants you to see it. He wants you to go to him first. He doesn't want to be your last resort or your last thought, you idiot. He wants to be first in your life and if you don't make that happen, then you will lose him. For good."

---

Once he's finished packing, he sets the bag by the entry way and fingers the collar on his neck. It was the newest one Jim had given him and was, by far, his favorite. But he hadn't come to Jim with it on... it wasn't right for him to take it with him when he left... He unbuckled it and set it on Jim's dresser in the bedroom where Chris' wrist cuffs sat as well. He blinked back tears and shook his head. Well, he'd asked for his freedom, hadn't he? Why hadn't Jim fought to keep him? It was obvious, he realized... he wasn't worth the effort.

"Ow!" He says rubbing the back of his head, that had actually kind of hurt. Though he frowns a bit. "He's not my last resort or my last thought..." That frown deepens. "I don't know how to do this, Bones. What the hell more am I supposed to do? I told him I loved him... You've been in love before." He's tempted to hit the wall again out of frustration. "I don't know what I'm doing." At least he could admit that to his best friend.

"Does he know that, Jim?" Bones asked, more gently than before, realizing he was starting to get through to his friend. "And it's not just about saying the words. You gotta show it, too. And it's not all about letting him walk over you. The boy's gotta have boundaries and know where they are and that you won't compromise on them. You're lettin' him run wild in my opinion. That kinda screams, 'I don't care what you do' if you ask me."

"I don't know!" He didn't know... That's what scared him, this whole love matter in general scared the hell out of him. "I don't know how, Bones..." He sighs and gets up. "I was never actually..." He scowls and shakes his head. "Never mind."

"What are you going to do, Jim?" Bones asks quietly. "Cause you've only got tonight to decide and sitting here with me ain't gonna help..."

"I don't know..." He says with a frown. "Something." He tells him before heading back to his quarters.

Chris has gotten everything cleaned, packed, dinner ready to be served and now just stands by the large living area window, staring out at the stars.

Jim's not really all that hungry, he's lost and hurting... he's far too damn confused. Moving over, he grabs Chris and whirls him around kissing him good and hard, pouring all of his feelings into that kiss. He doesn't know if it's the right thing to do but still...

Chris is too shocked to react at first but a moment later, he's returning that kiss just as fiercely, arms coming up to wrap around his Master's body, holding him tightly. He pulls back from the kiss, pressing his forhead to Jim's, letting the tears he's been holding back finally fall.

"I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry... please don't send me away... I don't want to be alone again..."

Jim reaches up to wipe away those tears, trying not to let his own fall. "I won't send you away. You have to bear with me though, Chris. I don't know what I'm doing... I am so lost on the whole love thing and not real sure on if I'm going to be good at showing it. So bear with me, please."

"What the hell did you...?!" [For adm_chris_pike]

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